Good morning, J.P. Devine here. Have you read my book? It’s called “Will Write for Food” (published by North Country Press of Unity, Maine. Available for $16.95 in Waterville at Children’s Book Cellar.)

Why am I touting this today? It’s because of the biggest news story of the year, bigger than SCOTUS big player Clarence Thomas’s dark real estate games, or how NBA players may now smoke weed. News at eleven is book banning.

Let’s face it: Banning, when enforced, is the same thing as book burning, only with less air pollution.

Banning Stephen King in America? Really? I guess some of us never get the news.

I just found out that one of the great books of all time, F. Scott Fitzgerald’s “The Great Gatsby,” (not the Redford or DiCaprio films) has been banned somewhere in the world since it was published.

But the latest shocker — are you ready for this? Nick Gatsby, the owner of hundreds of cashmere sweaters, has now been banned in DeSantis’ Pensacola, Florida.

It’s sad to imagine Daisy and her green light not being read in Waukegan, Illinois, or Matanuska-Susitna Borough School District, Alaska.

Wait! Matanuska-Susitna Borough Schools? In Alaska? That’s the last igloo. If they’re banning books in Matanuska (where they read by yak oil) we know they’re coming for Waukegan.

“Gatsby” has been cited for vulgarity, adultery, violence, sex, and/or language. (In other words, all the fun stuff.)

Listen to this. “The Catcher in the Rye,” by J.D. Salinger, Steinbeck’s “The Grapes of Wrath,” and “To Kill a Mockingbird,” for pity’s sake. And I’m still waiting to find out what ever happened to the Boo Radley.

I’m shocked, shocked do you hear? I’ve scanned the entire list of books only to discover that my book “Will Write for Food” (published by North Country Press of Unity, Maine. $16.95 available in Waterville at Children’s Book Cellar, Barnes and Noble in Augusta and Amazon online) has not made the list.

Excuse me? I’m not banned? This is an outrage. Who’s in charge of this banning stuff anyway, Merrick Garland?

“Harry Potter and The Sorcerer’s Stone” has been banned, because it celebrated “Satanism and anti-family themes.”

Well, I once dated a dancer in Las Vegas who claimed to dabble in Satanism. (I will say the black hospital gown capes were itchy but the black candles were fun. (I did go to confession the next morning.)

But “anti-family themes?” I’ll bet Mario Puzo’s “The Godfather,” the greatest “anti-family” novel, is on all the lists, but nobody read the book except lawyer Joe Tacopina.

Truth is, being banned is the dream of all writers. Nothing sells like a banned anything. I hear that George Santos is busy penning his affair with T.E Lawrence.
So as of today, I demand that my book “Will Write for Food” (published by North Country Press of Unity, Maine. $16.95 available in Waterville at Children’s Book Cellar and anywhere online) be hereby banned.

Spread the word and let the cash flow in. We’re way down on our oil.

J.P. Devine is a Waterville writer.