Sandra Bullock and Bradley Cooper in a scene from ”All About Steve” 2009. IMDb photo

I’ve got to start reading the small print when I choose a movie on the movie channels.

MOVIE INFO

“ALL ABOUT STEVE”
Comedy, Romance
Convinced that a CCN cameraman is her true love, an eccentric crossword puzzler trails him as he travels all over the country, hoping to convince him that they belong together.
Length: 99 minutes
Rating: Moderate sex and nudity, with mild profanity, alcohol, drugs and smoking, and frightening  and intense scenes.
Director: Phil Traill
Writer: Kim Barker
Stars: Sandra Bullock, Bradley Cooper, Thomas Haden Church

Desperate for something funny to review, all I saw was Sandra Bullock and Bradley Cooper.

Of course, I turned it on and ignored that it was made in 2009. Where has it been since 2009?

“All About Steve,” it turns out, is really all about Mary, or Mary Horowitz (Bullock) who is a freelance newspaper crossword puzzle designer, who at 18-25? -30? -39?, is still living with her parents in Sacramento, California.

Her mother (Beth Grant) and father (the late Howard Hesseman) are fit, and do not need someone like Mary in their house who could, at any moment, burn the house down.

Mary has an encyclopedia brain and what appears to be a problem dealing with folks at work and social engagements. The reviews don’t mention autism, which clearly is her condition.

For 20 minutes, I put up with her mile-a-minute mouth, red Hooter boots, permanent glued on smile, and the L.E.D. glow in her eyes.

Is Bullock, I wonder, paying homage to old Jean Arthur characters like Arthur once did so beautifully in George Steven’s wonderful 1943 “More The Merrier”? I don’t think so.

Writer Kim Barker clearly never saw a Jean Arthur film or anything in 1943.

It starts: Mary’s mother sets her up with a blind date. What? It’s clearly because they want someone to get her out of the house.

Then in walks blind date Steve, (Cooper), a TV cameraman.

How did mom and pop Horowitz meet a TV camera man, and how did they convince him to date Mary? Does Cooper look like he needs a girlfriend?

When Mary meets Steve, she runs back up stairs and back down, still in firehouse boots, but in what looks like a Parisian street walker’s skirt.

The lucky couple, under an umbrella, go to Steve’s car, where Mary suddenly rips off his and her clothes, keeping on the scarlet boots, and hungrily attempts to capture Steve’s seed. All this plays out in Steve’s car directly in front of MARY’S HOUSE!!

Eventually, Mary follows Steve around America as he films news stories, like a mine disaster that swallows a group of deaf children, whom Mary tries to talk to.

Remember, they’re deaf?

Then there’s something about a child born with three legs?

When my mind began to wander, I recalled Bradley Cooper in David O. Russell’s “Silver Linings Playbook” (2012) dancing with the amazing Jennifer Lawrence.

And I switch to Jeopardy.

My editors compel me to tell you that “All About Steve” can be seen on HBO Max, The Roku Channel, Spectrum TV, Redbox. Prime Video, Vudu or Apple TV on your smart TV.

J.P. Devine of Waterville is a former stage and screen actor.