I have a signature outfit that hides a dark secret. It’s a sleeveless, tea-length, black dress paired with a solid cotton cardigan. It’s my “go-to” outfit. Classic, timeless, and professional. When I was teaching, I became known for my cardigan sweaters. So much so, that a parent told me her daughter asked to dress up like me one day. What she meant was she wanted to wear a cardigan.

So, what does my outfit hide? My arms.

I’ve always hated my arms. They’re flabby, and at the right angle, a hint of cellulite can be seen. (Who am I kidding? Probably at many angles!) I am so self-conscious of my arms that if I’m wearing a sleeveless shirt or dress, I’ll wear a cardigan and blister in the heat rather than show some skin even in 80-plus-degree weather.

This isn’t new. It’s been the case for years. Even during the years when I ran half and full marathons, unless I was running, I covered up my arms at all costs.

But I don’t just hate my arms. My “Fabulous at 50” transformation project got me thinking about other things I hate about my body. So, I made a list: my arms, the stretch marks on my stomach from my pregnancies, my droopy left eye, the asymmetry of my breasts —- oh hell, my breasts in general —- all the cellulite on my body (arms, stomach, legs), my non-existent butt, my nose, my mouth, my chubby checks, my stomach, and my neck.

I looked at the list. It made me feel pathetic. Am I pathetic? No. Not really. Not on most days. But when I look in a mirror. I sometimes feel that way.

Back to the list. It’s a long list. Am I the only woman in the world who has a list like this? Nope. Somehow that thought is comforting to me. Depressing. But comforting.

Deciding to share my journey with the world has already been eye-opening. So many readers reached out to me with messages of encouragement. Some readers have been inspired to start exercising. Others have shared their own struggles with their body or with food. These messages have carried me through many a workout in the last few weeks.

But one comment stymied me. On a weigh-in day, I was dismayed to realize I gained weight. It was only a pound, but I was dejected, and I had written online about it. A reader commented that at my weight I was “ridiculously thin” compared to the average woman. I believe the reader offered this to make me feel better. But I didn’t feel better. I felt judged. As if I didn’t have a right to my own feelings and my body. But I do. All women do. And no one has a right to tell a woman how she should feel.

Nevertheless, I took a step back. I think this reader was sincerely offering me a compliment. However, telling anyone they shouldn’t feel less than because everyone around them is worse off really isn’t much of a compliment. Trying to lift someone up while simultaneously judging others isn’t that great, is it? Yet this is common practice among women. And it needs to stop.

Yes, our list of “hates” may be long. And they may be unfounded. But the constant airbrushed, Botoxed, lipo-sucked images in social media, magazines, movies, and on TV bombard us to the point of self-loathing. Yet, our feelings are real. They are not imagined. And they shouldn’t be dismissed.

So, what do we do? Well, we first need to meet women where they are. In my particular case, I’ve admitted I’m unhappy with the, uh, status quo, and I’ve decided to do something about it. I absolutely appreciate the comments about how it’s about what’s on the inside and not about what’s on the outside. But, hey now. Just once in my life, I’d like to feel fantastic about my body.

And I think that’s ok. How about meeting me where I am and cheering me on? I’m not foolish. I know I won’t look like J.Lo. when I turn 50. But let’s hope for something that makes me feel spectacular. (I’ve already bought the bikini!) Then, let’s want that for every woman everywhere.

And maybe we can also have a serious discussion about what real bodies look like and why we don’t see enough of them in the media. Perhaps if we can normalize real women’s bodies, fewer women will struggle as I have. Like I do.

Maybe. Just maybe. I need to do a photoshoot of my arms before I think about putting on that bikini.

Hilary Koch lives in Waterville. She can be reached at: hilarykoch@pm.me

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Hilary’s “Fabulous at 50” update:

Starting weight: 150.5

Current weight: 137

I’m still walking almost daily three to five miles. I started running this week, just two miles at a time.