I have a secret I’ve only admitted to one person, and it may shock you.

Remember a while back when I wrote you’d never catch me in a bikini? Well… Never. Say. Never.

I want to look like Jennifer Lopez in a bikini. Yes. The J.Lo. I recently saw a photo of her standing by a pool, in a black bikini and a kimono, rocking spectacular heels. I instantly googled “JLo bikini” and found an even better photo of her in a crochet monokini. I hesitated. No way could I ever look like that. I’m too old.

And then I remembered J.Lo is 53. I’m 49. And so began my secret project and I want to invite you to help me.

But let me back up. Last spring, I recruited a workout buddy. Not someone to physically work out with, but someone with whom I would check in weekly. Unfortunately, we realized we were perfect enablers. Neither took it seriously. We joked about the food we ate and avoided exercise.

Columnist Hilary Koch is embarking on a new health and wellness adventure as she approaches 50. She hopes readers will follow along, and join in. Contributed photo

Then about two months ago, I started. I began by walking laps while my youngest shot hoops. I was unhappy with the extra weight I had put on during the pandemic. Feeling like a lump, I had a hard time justifying reading when I could be moving.

Something also shifted for my workout buddy. Our check-ins went from weekly to daily. We used our smartwatches to get a little competitive, tracking miles and exercise minutes, and holding each other accountable for food. Competition, constant encouragement, and daily contact did the trick for both of us. We were losing weight and it was fun.

I went from walking one mile three times a week to walking three to five miles every day. I’m 5-foot-5. When I began, I weighed 150.5 pounds; I now weigh 138. Walking has become like therapy for me. In the last few weeks, I realize I crave it. I generally listen to music, occasionally make a phone call, though I prefer quiet head space. I’ve also begun to add running into my workouts, but I don’t want to get into racing again, so whatever I do is to increase my heart rate, or just cover miles faster.

But how does J.Lo fit in? As I’ve been walking, and my body has begun to change, I’ve also been reflecting on other things in my life. I’m in perimenopause and exercise has been helpful, but I wish I had known more about it before I hit my 40s (ladies, can we talk about this?!). I’m also facing a hysterectomy, and while I can’t control that or the scars it will inflict on my body, I can control how I claim those scars and the experience.

I also think there are important things to explore like it should be OK for a woman to want to look and feel sexy, but that doesn’t mean it’s an invitation for sexual advances (let’s talk about this, too). My end goal is about me and for me and no one else.

When I saw J.Lo’s pictures, I texted my workout buddy: “My new goal!” I turn 50 next summer. At which time, I want to do a “Fabulous at 50” photoshoot sporting a bikini. This may sound easy to you, but it terrifies me. I border on having dysmorphic disorder. Often, I avoid looking in the mirror and have a phobia when it comes to having my photo taken.

Hmm… maybe a monokini.

So, dear readers, I need your help. Studies show that sharing and closely monitoring your goals with others not only leads to accountability but also success. Just as J.Lo has a crew to help her, I’ll need one to shape my abs. What better way to get bootylicious than to ask you to share glut workouts? I’ll post updates here and on social media — you can follow along on Instagram at @hilarydkoch and on Twitter at @HilaryDKoch. Maybe you’ll start exercising, too!

Over the next few months, I’ll explore what it means to be “Fabulous at 50,” or at any age for women. How do we get there? Is it just about diet and exercise? Is it OK to silently objectify men while working out if it improves your workout? (Guilty.)

To be sure, a lot of this will be about what’s on the outside, but so much of how we feel is determined by what’s going on inside. Every woman deserves to feel comfortable in her own skin. Wait, that’s wrong. She deserves to love her body. Every inch of it.

But the reality is that almost from the minute we enter this world, women are held to a standard that is unrealistic, unachievable, and often damaging. So damaging that few grow into womanhood without having serious body image issues.

For me, “fabulous” may not be J.Lo’s body. (Honestly, no crochet bikini is going to hold up my “girls.”)

But I want to get to next July and feel fabulous as the woman I am, and I plan to rock that kimono that I’ve already purchased.

Hilary Koch lives in Waterville. She can be reached at: hilarykoch@pm.me